“We need to talk” are the three most anxiety producing words for me. I can obsess endlessly about what I possibly said or did in the last few days (or years depending on the relationship) that could be the topic for the discussion.
Help comes from reading books as well as listening to podcasts from Mel Robbins on “The Let Them Theory.”
Mel’s “Let Them” theory is not about letting go of relationships, it’s about protecting your boundaries and finding peace in the relationships. If you can learn to master the let them approach, you can redesign your life to not worry about things out of your control and to experience life on your own terms.
Two of the chapters in Mel’s book gave me insights in how to really help someone who is struggling. I tend to go all-in to attempt a rescue that often does much more harm than good. The reality is that people will only get better when they are ready. I always seem to be ready before they are. It doesn’t mean I can’t help. Nor does it mean I don’t step in when someone is doing something dangerous or self-destructive.
Struggling friends need my love and support, but they don’t “need” for me to rescue them.
- I can’t make them get sober.
- I can’t heal them.
- I can stop enabling.
- I can share resources (not money) and tools for them to choose to do the work to get better.
“You owe people love, acceptance, and compassion. You do not owe them money. Because if you’re funding any aspect of someone’s life while they continue to refuse treatment – you are part of the problem. Money without specific conditions to be sober or go for treatments is enabling,” from “The Let Them Theory.”
I am learning better ways to share resources and then to step back and “let them” work through their anxieties and fears to choose a different path. “Let them” doesn’t mean leave them alone. I can drop off a dinner or send a care package or make a playlist of songs or pray with them. The possibilities of “let me” are probably endless, but not enabling and allow me to protect my peace.
I appreciate that Mel ends each chapter with a summary. “Believe in other’s ability to heal and create an environment where change is possible.” Mel also encourages you to take the next most important step, “Let me.”
- Let me be who I truly am.
- Let me set boundaries that protect my peace.
- Let me choose relationships that uplift and inspire me.
“Let Them” is a simple tool and Mel offers added insights with short clips on her Instagram as well as through podcasts. Check it out and let me know you what you thought.
About Mel Robbins: #1 New York Times best-selling author and a world-renowned expert on mindset, motivation, and behavior change, whose work has been translated into 50 languages. With millions of books sold, seven #1 Audible titles, and billions of video views, Mel’s impact is truly global.
Coming soon, Liza’s book review on Jefferson Fisher’s book “The Next Conversation.”
FRS Communications 